» Giant Steps: The Book of Dawn - 3
Giant Steps: The Book of Dawn - 3
Giant Steps Chapter Segments
Chapter (Cont.)
The fourth time we met in the park, our session began in its traditional manner. I sat on the bench alone. She wandered leisurely across the field beside the road. But instead of feeding the birds at a distance of two hundred yards, Dawn strolled over to the bench and, without ceremony, sat down. I watched her face, noticing an almost imperceptible fluttering in her eyelids. Her lips were sealed tight, as if locked closed so they would not betray her.
Then, without facing me, she said: "This is stupid, isn't it?"
"What do you think?"
"Hey, Kaufman. I know your game. Answering my questions with your questions." A talking Renoir painting. Statuesque against the treed background, Dawn's large full form seemed light, almost buoyant. Her unusually rosy cheeks displayed a natural elegance tempered only by the strain of anger.
"It doesn't matter what I think... it's your session," I said. "What do you think?"
"I think it's absurd," she said, smiling. She jumped from the bench and began to walk away. She stopped, hesitated, then returned. Looking at me as if she were about to cry, Dawn asked timidly: "Is it okay to do what I'm doing?"
I nodded and said, "Sure, but is it okay with you?" Regaining her composure, she sat down again. Her face hardened, her lips curled at the edges. "You're a funny egg, Kaufman," she said, flaunting a sarcastic grin. "I'd thought you would have had the smarts to leave by now." She scrutinized my face carefully, searching for anger, annoyance, disapproval ... anything to substantiate her fears. "Well, aren't you going to respond?"
"Why does it matter?"
"Because it does, it does." Her forehead furrowed. She tapped her fist on the bench mechanically. "Say anything... anything, but not another stupid question."
I wanted to ask her why questions disturbed her so, but I didn't. Somehow, I found myself searching for one clear statement. "Okay, Dawn. We each do the best we can, which is precisely what you and I are both doing at this very moment. Each in our own way."
A soft smile broke through her fixed facade. Then, quickly, her face clouded as she applauded weakly. "That's very good ... very, very good. I give it at least a C plus. I'm big on rewarding effort," she heckled, nervously rising from the bench. "Now I'll tell you something equally profound. I'm leaving early today. Ta-ta." Without once turning back, she walked steadily away.
Entry in Dawn's Diary, May 30
It's hard to stay away from the stuff. I think half the students in school are high all the time. Between periods, you get stoned just walking into the bathroom. Tina and I shared another joint. f*ck my mother. Darleen was stoned out of her mind. When we got back to health class, she flashed her t*t ... just pulled the big sloppy thing right out of her shirt, even with Mrs. Freed standing there. Everyone was on the floor. Freed was so embarrassed she made believe she didn't see it. I got cramps this morning, guess I'm getting my period. What a pain! Oh, yes, dear paper, some news about my sessions with the Bear. That big creep got me to talk to him, but I turned it around and he fell for it. I'm not going to get sucked in. Dumb! They think you're dumb! I can't stand his eyes, they're so soft....
The fifth session began very differently. Dawn walked directly over to me, sat down and grinned slyly. Though still stiff in her body movements (she folded her arms across her chest like an indignant general), she, nevertheless, seemed more vulnerable, more willing to show herself. "You know what, Kaufman? I don't even have a black jacket with a white collar." We smiled at each other. Dawn began to giggle, a silly, beautiful little-girl giggle. As I began to laugh with her, she stopped herself, almost choking in the process. She skillfully threw another internal switch, displaying the dazzling control she always exercised over herself
"I thought about what you said last week, she said. "You know, about how we all do the best we can. I decided to change your mark; it really rated a B plus."
Shifting her position, Dawn turned her back toward me before continuing. She stretched her arms, then folded them over her head. "I wanted to sit on this bench from the very beginning." Her voice deepened. "I really did. Somehow, I know you knew that." Releasing her arms, she leaned back, squeezed her eyes tightly and blew noisily through her lips. "Okay, Kaufman, what do we do next?"
"What do you want to do?"
"Well, we might as well get on with it."
"On with what?" I asked.
"Doing what you do. Finding out what's wrong with me," she said.
"I don't find out what's wrong with anyone. That's just a judgment. What I know to do is to ask questions... questions which come from what you say. In a real way, they're really your own questions. And you can do with them what you choose. There's no place to go, Dawn, except where you decide to go."
"Come off it, Kaufman. That's a crock of sh*t. You want to reshape me into my mother's silly vision of the good little fifteen-year-old virgin who never smokes, never stays out late, never disagrees, Well, too bad, I like being me!" She began to cry, but quickly stopped herself "Damn, damn!"
"What are you angry about?" I asked.
"About you, about me, about letting myself sit here, about talking to you!"
"What is it about being here on this bench, about talking with me that gets you so upset?"
"I don't know." She pivoted on her thigh, again facing in the opposite direction. Her body rocked back and forth in a slow rhythm.
"Well, why don't you guess at an answer," I suggested.
"Somehow, you're different ... I think. But, maybe it's a trick."
"What's a trick?"
"Your being here, letting me decide about these sessions, not criticizing the way I spent all the time feeding the birds. It's really scary!"
"What is?"
"To have it left so open. Maybe I'll do something terrible, maybe I'll say something unforgivable ... that's what the Dragon Lady is afraid of!"
"Who's the Dragon Lady?"
"sh*t! It's just a private thing, between me and myself. Forget I said it."
"Okay," I continued. "Before, you said if it's left so open, maybe you'll do something terrible. What do you mean?"
"It's my mother."
"What's your mother?"
"The Dragon Lady, of course. That's my nickname for her," Dawn said sheepishly. "I don't know what I really mean by terrible. All I've ever heard is that I don't know. 'You can't let Dawn decide, because she'll f*ck up.' I always lose. I'm either too young or too stupid. Like I'm a complete assh*le. So maybe when I finally get the chance to do whatever I want, maybe it'll be true."
"What will be true?"
"That I don't know anything, that I'll just do stupid, awful things."
"Do you believe that?"
Dawn cried again. This time she allowed it. Hard, dry sounds echoed from her throat as her shoulders trembled. After a minute, she straightened her back and busily wiped the tears from her eyes. "I guess I do believe it. It's like thinking something is twisted inside."
She rose to her feet, then put the palm of her right hand in front of my face; a gentle gesture, edged with unspoken desperation. For the moment, this little girl/young woman wanted my silence. After taking three deep breaths, she withdrew her hand and said: "Could we walk as we talk?"
As we moved down the path, Dawn broke from her sluggish gait into a full run. Her excess weight dragged at her arms and legs. At a distance of fifty yards, she looped gracefully around a cluster of pines, ungracefully lost her balance and fell face down into the grass.
Bouncing to her feet within seconds, she charged back, finally rejoining me. "One minute," she panted, holding her index finger in the air. A thin film of perspiration lacquered her forehead. "Now, let's go on."
"We often have reasons for what we believe, Dawn. Why do you believe if you just did what you wanted, you would do awful things?"
"Because I've already done them!"
"Done what?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Why not?" I asked.
"Because I just don't want to." Glancing at her watch, she said, "Besides, the session is about over. Goodbye, Kaufman, I've got to get home." Without looking at me, she jogged down the path and disappeared over a small hill.
Entry from Dawn's Diary, June 2
I almost did it, almost told him. God, I can't tell anyone. Somehow that'll make it even more real, more terrible. My session with Bears went quickly this time. I guess that's because we talked. The crying didn't feel too good. He deals pretty straight (I think, I hope). He never flinches - I like that. There's something so easy about his voice. I think he likes me. I must be careful, very careful. I don't even tell Tina about the sessions. I miss Karen. She's back in school now, but we haven't talked. Another run-in with the Dragon Lady. She smelled pot on my clothes when I came home from school today (she still never explained how she became such an expert in smelling marijuana). Bang! Off she went. Didn't even ask, just assumed I smoked my head off all day. She wanted to know if I discuss my problem during my sessions. I told her there wasn't any problem to discuss. That jerky, spaced-out bus driver, Randy, didn't say anything when Greg lit up. In minutes, everyone sucked on their weeds. The bus reeked of the stuff. And I didn't touch a thing. Well, next time, damn her, I will. What's there to lose, I'm always being accused anyway. I wish she'd trust me. I hate her f*cking guts sometimes. Big laugh this week on Jill. She's nauseous every morning. Guess what that means! Noah asked me out again. He doesn't give up. Next time he tries to feel between my legs, I'll piss on his hands. Darleen did another one of her bits this week. This time in Chem. 302. She told Mr. Sawyer she had been working on an experiment for several weeks and wanted to show the class. At the head of the room, she bent over, put a match to her ass, and farted. Wow, what a flame! Far out! Everyone got hysterical. So now you know what they do at the women's lib meetings, besides ... Angie said she once saw Darleen mouthing it with Pam. A group of dancers performed in our Humanities class. One of them was terrific. I couldn't keep my eyes off her. She had such a beautiful body, she moved so ... Oh, God, I don't know what I'm saying anymore.
