» Giant Steps: Book of Dawn - 2
Giant Steps: Book of Dawn - 2
Giant Steps Chapter Segments
Chapter (Cont.)
The sky hovered low over the park as I waited for Dawn for that first session. A thin silver mist enveloped the open meadows, obscuring sharp edges, muting bright colors. I gazed across the field leading up to the road. I scanned the area around the pond. No girl with a black jacket topped by a lily-white collar. I sat down on one of the wooden benches hesitantly. Within seconds, the almost imperceptible haze penetrated my pants. The winged population, flitting about, drew my attention away from my moist skin. Two boys threw a Frisbee back and forth. A group of small children charged across the meadow toward an old wooden bridge. Ten minutes drifted by. Still no sign of Dawn. Again, I searched the entire park area. I suppressed an inclination to leave. "On my terms," she had said, and I had agreed.
The loud hawking cries of sea gulls surrounded a teenage girl who systematically threw handfuls of popcorn high into the air. Her body moved gracefully, though her face appeared curiously fixed. Her denim jacket rippled around her waist. Her thighs pressed against the seams of her jeans. Obviously overweight she had tried to push her body into clothes made for a more slender form. Although she stood several hundred yards away, I detected her glancing in my direction several times. Curious, exploratory, secretive glances. Dawn, I thought to myself, instinctively identifying her.
In response to my steady gaze, she turned her back toward me, then proceeded to move down a path hidden from my vision. Another twenty minutes elapsed. Suddenly, the same young girl appeared directly opposite me on the other side of the pond. This time, she pulled a bread loaf from a large paper bag. With each three pieces thrown to the ducks, she stuffed one piece into her mouth. Even now, my image of her chewing the white bread remains vivid. Her mouth moved mechanically, as if disconnected from her body.
As I rose from the bench, she looked directly at me, extended her arm, then pointed to her wrist. She held up what appeared to be seven fingers. And then I knew. Seven more minutes remained in our session - or non-session. I sat down again and watched her continue feeding the ducks. In exactly seven minutes, she turned and left the park.
Entry in Dawn's Diary, May 10
The smug bastard just sat there on the bench, looking so cool. But I knew he must've felt like a jackass, looking around for the black jacket and white collar. What an easy mark! I think I'm going to like this ... it's like leading a dog around by the nose. I knew it about noble Noah. He was all hands. He's so gross with all those pimples. All he had on his mind was f*cking, but I don't f*ck, not any more. Boy, was he surprised when I slapped him. So was I. Janet and Darleen are running a course on women's lib in the free school - they keep pushing me to attend. I'm not interested in their flag waving. Besides, Chris said Janet and Darleen are homos. Suzanne went on and on about her big-deal fabulous Saturday night with Howie. And if it's not Howie, it's Craig or Marsh or Jimmy. She must have the most experienced t*ts in the whole school. What a cock-teaser! I told her to shut up. She called me jealous. Disgust was more like it. But she was right, I was jealous. Besides Allen, who doesn't count, pimple-face Noah is the only person who asked me out in two months. It's kind of sad spending Saturday night masturbating in front of the television set. Dragon lady Doris is still on my back, even after my session (ho-ho) with Kaufman. I do what she wants and it's still not good enough. First she asked me about Noah, then when I said I didn't want to talk about it, she asked me what I was hiding. You should have seen her face when I told her I was out f*cking telephone polls.
Our second session began much like the first, with the exception of my choosing a different bench to sit on. Dawn returned with bags of popcorn for the birds and another loaf of bread for the ducks. No hello. No good-bye. Yet our awareness of each other had grown more intense.
Entry in Dawn's Diary, May 17
I did the whole scene with Kaufman in the park. I thought he'd come over and start bitching about how we're supposed to talk or something ...but he didn't. I wonder what his game is - well, I can hold out as long as he can. Funny, but he does look like a bear. And he still puts on that cool, relaxed, just-sitting-in-the-park bit. I haven't seen Karen lately. Maybe she's sick, but I don't want. to call her. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I had a weird daydream in class yesterday. Noah was standing by the window. I imagined him telling everyone how he f*cked me. He made up this whole big bullsh*t story. All the kids laughed. Then he said he put a Coke bottle up me because I couldn't get enough since I was so oversexed. So I ran up and pushed him out the window. I was glad when I heard him scream, glad when he went splat on the sidewalk. But then, when I looked at his face on the ground, it wasn't Noah at all, but Jonathan, my first boyfriend. I can't stand Jonathan, I can't stand Noah, and I can't stand the Dragon Lady.
During our third meeting, Dawn drifted within ten feet of the bench. Her blue eyes locked with mine. Defiant, yet soft. Angry, yet sensitive. Wanting to run away, yet wanting to come close. I smiled at her, genuinely touched by her special presence.
Immediately, she turned and walked away. At the end of our time period, from across the pond, she looked at me and did something amazing. Dawn waved, though her face remained fixed, expressionless. She reminded me of the journey with our son, Raun, where even the most simple actions had been undertaken with great difficulty.
Entry in Dawn's Diary, May 24
I don't know why I did it, but I waved to him today. Charity - I didn't want him to get too lonely. Oh, who the f*ck cares! Kaufman said on my terms - well, he'll have to suffer through it. When I came close to him, he sat there smiling like some big idiot. He almost felt genuine, like he liked me. I wanted to kick him in the face and hug him at the same time. Who would have believed anyone would have put up with me. The Dragon Lady keeps pressing about the sessions. I wish she'd just bug off. My father complained I'm not making any progress. That's a laugh! Now he even wants me to see a shrink. My mother said I needed a loving friend not a doctor. A loving friend? How the hell would she know? Maybe I'm a lot crazier than anyone knows.
