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Overcoming Adversity
The following section provides stories and testimonials of people who have used what they've learned at The Option Institute to overcome various challenges in their lives. Please click on the links below to read stories based upon the life challenge being faced.
A Child's Struggle
Ever since I was a girl I wanted a family. As a young woman it was the most important desire in my life. Imagine my delight and excitement when I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. But then a peculiar thing happened shortly after her birth. l began to fear that I would somehow lose this most precious gift. As Erica grew older and more independent my fear became more powerful, overwhelming me! I imagined everything from her becoming deathly ill to her running away, to her being killed.
Two years ago, just before her 18th birthday, Erica was involved in an auto accident. Driving in a fit of rage, too fast down a winding mountain road, she lost control and rolled her car over a cliff. Although her little red Toyota was totally destroyed, she miraculously walked away virtually unscratched.
Six weeks later Erica announced that she was not going to attend the prestigious LA design school which had just accepted her. This was something she had dreamed of doing for years, and now she was turning it all down! Then one week later Erica told us she had dropped out of high school, four months before her graduation, an event she had been anticipating with excitement since her junior year.
Four days after this startling decision, Erica had a fight with her boyfriend, then went to her girlfriend's house who wasn't home. However, there on the table next to her friend's bed were some pills which Erica picked up. She then drove slowly out to a place near our home, a place as barren as she was feeling. As she sat there alone in the dark she deliberately and intently swallowed one pill at a time. As soon as all the pills had been consumed Erica drove home and told me what she had done. Before she even got to the part about taking the pills, I could feel the fear choking me. I couldn't breathe. Within moments I became blind with rage. I was hysterical. The rest of the evening was a chaotic blur. I was of no help to Erica or anyone because I was so hopelessly lost in my worst nightmare - the loss of my most precious gift, my daughter. Thankfully the pills were not lethal and Erica's life had been spared.
By this time I was a total basket case. I sunk into a deep depression, not sleeping or eating, and unable to work. I cried all the time. I was worried sick about what might happen next. During this time a friend gave me a book written by Barry Neil Kaufman, emphatically urging me to read it. The book stated that by simply changing our beliefs we could become happier, more loving individuals. It talked about making positive changes in our lives by changing the way we see things. I consumed the book!
One week later Erica came home obviously very angry. She stomped down the hall into her room, slammed the door, and proceeded to hurl things against the wall. When I knocked, she screamed at me to go away which I did. Then an ominous silence fell over the house and a moment later a small, scared, childlike voice cried out, 'Mommy, can you come here.' Fearing the worst, I walked down the hall to her room where I found her curled up in a blanket with a note lying at her feet. The note outlined everything she had just ingested, a virtual drugstore. It also said she loved me very much and that she was sorry and good-bye. As I stood, not wanting to believe that this horror was taking place, I kept remembering Mr. Kaufman's words that we do indeed have the power to consciously choose to view tragedies as opportunities. So, in that moment I chose to not give into the fear and to, instead, look for the opportunity.
As I rode in the car behind the ambulance, I was aware of the familiar feeling of fear wanting to wash over me. Instead of giving into the fear, as I always did before, I chose to become comfortable with myself, to feel love instead of fear and anxiety. I repeated this again after finding out that my daughter had consumed a lethal dose and, if she did not die, the chances were strong she'd sustain brain damage.
I was amazed at my own ability to stay calm, even as I talked with the doctors, convincing them to let me go into her room, something that, at first, they strongly opposed. When Erica woke up she tearfully asked if I was angry. And to my amazement I realized I was not. Then I seized the moment, creating an opportunity for myself, and possibly for her too. I asked her why she thought she did this. To my utter amazement and total delight, we began a long conversation, me gently and lovingly asking her questions and she answering, not so much for me, but mostly for herself. We talked for hours when Erica came to the conclusion that she didn't want to die, but that she really wanted to live. And finally, the lab report came back, and miraculously, as if by the sheer grace of God, there was no permanent damage.
Today Erica is in college, and happier than I have ever seen her. She has a new passion for life! I believe this begin with the opportunity I created that incredible night almost two years ago in her hospital room. By choosing love over fear, I was able to give Erica the help she needed to change her view of herself and of her world. As for me, I have incorporated this simple yet profound concept into my life and as a result, my life is profoundly happier. I no longer fear loosing Erica, but instead have learned to let her take responsibility for her own life. I have replaced fear with a deep inner peace, something I once thought could not exist for me.
Lee B., Director, Women's Resource Center, Colorado
Personal Crisis
I am writing this to express my gratitude to everyone at The Option Institute. One year ago I attended a one-week program. I came with a failing marriage, fibrocystic breast disease and battling depression like I’d never experienced before. I felt like I was reaching for a life preserver in an ocean of high waves. I left feeling like I could walk on water.
Now, almost a year later, my life has definitely changed. My marriage is more honest and accepting than it has ever been. The lumps in my breast are smaller and, at times, totally gone. The scar from the surgery (I had to remove a lump six months before coming to The Institute) had healed outwardly, but was constantly sore and large under the skin. When I dressed the morning I left The Option Institute, it was the first time it didn’t hurt to raise my arm.
As for depression, I can’t think of any reason why I would choose to feel that way again. I experience life fully now; I don’t just live it.
I’ve even started my own business! But the greatest miracle for me is that I really like myself. This is a new experience and it feels too wonderful for words! Thank you for teaching me to be good to myself. Thank you for helping me see that there is nothing wrong with me. Thank you for showing me that happiness is a choice. The Option Institute helped me find a way of living that I’d dreamed of, but believed was impossible.
Debbie Watehall-Gates, Bookstore Proprietor, Texas
Depression
By the time I’d reached my mid-30’s I’d achieved what most people would agree was a successful life, a home in an affluent suburb, 2 cars, a swimming pool, a middle management position with a Fortune 100 electronics company and a career on the rise. Then one day my wife of fifteen years told me she wanted a divorce and, when we sought help in family counseling, I learned that my pride and joy, my two sons, felt distant and afraid of me.
I had always taken my frequent angry outbursts for granted. After all, my father, my uncles, my brothers all behaved that way. Naturally I would be an angry person too. But now I recognized that my anger was separating me from everything I loved. It was too late to save my marriage. But maybe I could still salvage the relation ships with my sons. I decided to control the expression of my anger, no matter what it cost me inside.
And it cost a lot. Over the next few years I became increasingly tired and ineffective. My productivity fell. I slept a lot and felt more and more unable to face people, my job, the demands of my life. Finally I was diagnosed with Major Depression. I spent 6 weeks in a prominent psychiatric hospital. The doctors concluded I suffered from a chemical imbalance and prescribed Prozac, an antidepressant, along with other drugs. I returned to work but gradually, once again, slipped into the heavy, tiring existence of depression. My career was on hold, I was incapable of sustaining a relationship, and my sons only said they loved me on Christmas or on my birthday.
Then a friend introduced me to the books of Barry Neil Kaufman and the idea that happiness is a choice. Intrigued, I traveled to The Option Institute for private sessions. During this time I had the opportunity to examine my own vision of life as well as the beliefs and attitudes underlying my anger and depression. I realized that I believed I had no other choice besides getting angry or depressed when things didn’t go well for me. But through the gentle and non-judgmental dialogue sessions, I realized that I did have other choices - that I could treat the events of my life as misfortunes or as opportunities. I chose to do the latter. That decision has transformed my entire life. I stopped feeling bad about myself. I began to have fun. My energy increased. My productivity improved. I started to enjoy my work.
Today I’m no longer on medication. I’m happy, confident, optimistic for the
future. My career has taken an exciting new turn. And my relationship with my sons has never been better.
Recently my oldest son failed to return some expensive stereo equipment he’d borrowed. When we finally spoke, he became tense and defensive, already anticipating my customary angry explosion. But! did not feel anger. Instead I discussed the incident in a firm, yet loving manner. At the end of the conversation, my son said 'I love you Dad.' It wasn’t Christmas. It wasn’t my birthday. Through the miracle of learning to choose happiness and love instead of anger, I had regained the most valuable relationship in my life.
Richard Magan, Computer Sales Manager, Massachusetts
Chronic Fatigue
How can I begin to express my gratitude for what I‘ve learned through The Option Institute and Fellowship? There have been so many ‘miracles’ for me! Here’s one.
Several years ago I came home from a stressful trip abroad, and returned to work immediately. Soon I felt the gentle hand of a colleague shaking my shoulder. ‘Karen - wake up!’ I had fallen asleep literally with my face in my work. I went into the ladies room. Imagine my surprise when, hours later, I awoke to find my head propped between the wall and the roll of toilet paper! I ached all over. Something was dreadfully wrong.
Home, in bed, I waited for this ‘flu’ to go away. 3 days, 5, 10, 20 days. It didn’t go away. No matter how much I slept, I always felt exhausted. I was dizzy, burned with a constant fever, couldn’t concentrate, had blurred vision, hurt in every joint and muscle.
When I could, I began dragging myself from one doctor to another trying to find out what this mysterious ailment was. The doctors were frustrated and angry with me because they couldn’t pinpoint the problem. They referred me to psychiatrists because it was ‘all in my head’. I began to doubt my own sanity! Finally, one kind doctor diagnosed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, a ‘new’ disease that was coming to be known in the media as 'the flu that doesn't go away'. There was no help that the medical profession could offer at this time, except antidepressants.
I didn’t want antidepressants, though I certainly was feeling depressed! I wanted to feel alive again! Would I ever be able to dance, to walk a country road, to simply move for the joy of moving? I knew I’d have to find ways to help myself.
At last, after five months, the fever subsided and I returned to work, in spite of the pain that still pervaded my hips and knees.
It was at this point that I learned about The Option Institute. The fact that it was nicknamed 'A Place For Miracles' cap turned my imagination; did I ever want a miracle! I signed up for a Happiness Option Weekend.
During this program I was assisted to explore my feelings and beliefs about the pain in my body. How did I feel about it? I hated it! Then why did I have it? I didn’t know. Was there something I was afraid that would happen if I didn’t have the pain? Wow! Yes! I was afraid if I didn’t have it, I might allow myself to get exhausted and stressed out all over again, and wind up where I‘d been five months before, flat on my back, unable to move! After all, I’d heard so often that people with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome usually have deep relapses, losing all they have gained.
So, the pain had a purpose! Once I understood that, I changed my entire vision of the situation. I chose to see the pain as a friend. I could even welcome it and be open to learn what it was trying to tell me. I decided to try out this new perspective.
I returned home after the weekend. An amazing thing happened. Within a few days, about 80% of the pain disappeared! In choosing to love and trust my body, instead of drugging it and trying to push the sensations out of my experience, I began to feel alive again!
To think that if I hadn’t found The Option Institute, I could have ended up like so many others with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - depressed, exhausted, and in pain for years and years! While others are still learning to cope with chronic illness, I feel I’ve actually been transformed into a new person. Transformed from a person who could barely walk into one who dances, does yoga and Tai Chi, gardening, and in the winter even skis. Truly, I feel I‘ve created the miracle I was searching for; I am so grateful!
Karen Ryder, Therapist, Rhode Island
Loss of a Loved One
Like most parents, I anticipated that the birth of my second child would be a time of celebration and joy. But this happiness was almost immediately shattered when the doctors informed us that our daughter suffered from a serious and inoperable heart malformation and that she would not survive childhood. Because she lacked a pulmonary artery (which brings blood to the lungs for oxygenation) her heart had to pump an astonishing 120 beats per minute to oxygenate her body while at rest. You cannot imagine the debilitating effects upon her physical health and her mental development as well. By age 2, Mariepier had received a secondary diagnosis of autism. She did not speak; she did not smile at us or express affection in any way. She lived encapsulated in her own little world, as if every ounce of her fragile energy was needed simply to sustain the beating of her heart.
Frightened of her death and depressed about my disappointed dreams, I withdrew too. I became a provider of services, making sure Mariepier received food, clothing and medical attention. But emotionally I shut her out, believing that this decision would ultimately make her early death more easy to bear. Yet I was haunted by guilt and self-judgment for my inability to fully love my own child.
When Mariepier was nine, I learned about the work of Barry and Samahria Kaufman and The Option Institute. My wife and I decided to participate in a Son-Rise Program there, along with Mariepier, hoping to find peace and acceptance in the face of this tragedy. In just four weeks our lives were profoundly and permanently transformed. For the first time I was able to face my fear of Mariepier’s death, I realized that I was depriving myself of love for the little girl who was with me now, as protection against her future absence. I decided that I did not need this protection any longer. And with that decision, a miracle happened inside of me. I was able to be present with my special daughter, celebrating her life exactly 'as is' and recognizing her unique beauty. I fell in love with my child for the first time. My fear, my guilt, my disappointment dissolved, healed by my new found acceptance.
For the next two years, we built a bridge of love and trust with Mariepier. We lavished her with affection, celebrating each day the fact that she was still with us. We cherished each moment. And although she continued to deteriorate physically, she responded to our love with an extraordinary surge in nonverbal communication. She became attentive, affectionate, so expressive in face and gesture.
During this time we continued daily to make use of the tools we had learned at The Option Institute. And when new concerns or fears arose, we made use of the Institute staff to help us sustain our loving and accepting attitude.
Shortly before Mariepier’s 12th birthday, her physical condition worsened dramatically. The cardiologist told us that she would not live much longer. Although I had anticipated hearing this news for eleven years, I was still unprepared for it.
Soon after hearing this, I had the opportunity to speak with Barry Kaufman, who I’d come to know affectionately as Bears. As Bears and I spoke, my tears of loss and disbelief slowly gave way to a sense of gratitude - gratitude that I had been able at last to reach out to my little girl, gratitude for the wonder of these two magnificent years, gratitude for all the ways I had learned and grown because she was in my life. And in that moment, I knew that when the time came, I could let her go.
Weeks later we returned from a Sunday family outing. Mariepier had seemed more fatigued than usual. I took her in my arms and carried her into the house, laying her gently in her bed. She cried softly as her breathing became very difficult. Her big eyes watched me intently as I spoke to her. Suddenly her expression changed to one of surprise when her breathing and crying stopped abruptly. She looked right into my eyes as if to ask me what was happening. I held her hand and stroked her face, feeling an overwhelming sense of love and acceptance. I knew there was nothing else anyone could do to intervene. She folded her arms over her chest and pumped them three times, as if she was making a last ditch effort at reenergizing her own heart. I told her how much I loved her. Suddenly she let out a breath and then became completely still. That was it. She just let go. In twelve years I had never seen such peacefulness in my daughter’s face. For a long time I sat beside her, stroking her hair. My own sense of peace was profound. I knew she would always be in my heart. I knew I could celebrate her life instead of mourning her death.
For me this experience was a miracle. Had I not learned at The Option Institute that inner peace and love are a choice, I would have undoubtedly left Mariepier to face death alone in her room, so consumed by my own fear that I’d have been incapable of reaching out to her with love in her most difficult moment. I'd have lived my own life bitter and angry at the briefness of her life and guilty over my failure to love her enough.
Instead I had come to know that I could choose happiness and inner peace; and in making that choice, I remained a source of love, strength and support for my child. I cannot describe my gratitude.
Daniel Ladouceur, Business Consultant, Quebec
Criticism
I felt called to serve in the church because I wanted to help people love God, themselves and their neighbors. But although I had the best of intentions, I had great difficulty being the pastor I wanted to be. You see, I had not learned to truly love and accept myself, and, as a result I was intolerant with my own shortcomings and anxious, defensive and depressed when my parishioners criticized my efforts.
Then I attended a five-day seminar at The 0ption Institute. During this program I learned concrete methods of accepting myself and being happy with myself, no matter what others thought. I took my new learnings back to my church and found that I was able to be comfortable with myself and to listen openly and with love to others. For the first time I was actually ministering to people in the way I'd always wanted and in the way I believe God intended. Since that Option program, I've enjoyed a renewed sense of call. My ministry has never been the same. In all my years of trying to encourage a loving and non-judgmental life-style in myself and those I serve, The Option Institute finally enabled me to actually experience it, live it, love it and grow from it! What a blessing.
Elizabeth G, Minister, Connecticut
A Doctor Shares
The amazing work of Barry and Samahria Kaufman gives us the psychotherapeutic breakthrough we sorely need in this age of stress. I have been a family practitioner for thirty years, always with an understanding of mind-body interconnectiveness. I have searched and tried everything from Freud, Jung, Adler, Reich, Perls, Rogers, Maslow, Laing, Lowen, Maltz, Wemer, Huxley, May and a host of other schools of thought and therapy on my patients - trying to identify a system or process that would qualify as 'mind treatment' while I was treating their bodies. This is it! I have successfully integrated the Kaufmans' teaching process as I understand it, with my usual treatment plans for Migraine, Backache, PMS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Anxiety, Depression, Asthma, Emphysema, Cancer, Colitis, Psoriasis, Physical Injuries, Eating Disorders, Smoking, Alcoholism, Resistant Obesity, Panic Attacks, Diabetes, Gout, Rheumatoid and Degenerative Arthritis, Agoraphobia, Writers Block, Nightmares, Alopecia Areata, Angina Pectoris and Hypercholesterolemia. The quick and dramatic therapeutic results I have been achieving, absolutely befuddle my imagination.
Anyone who experiences personal unhappiness can benefit. The individual learns to identify and question beliefs that lead to unhappiness and equally important, the individual learns how to allow happiness to intervene. It is a break-through that deserves to be explored by all healing professionals.
Edward A. T., M.D. Family Practitioner, Illinois
A Child's Disability
We had hopes that our five days at The Option Institute would offer us a new direction for ourselves and our daughter, diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. As psychologists who work with children (including 'special' children) and families, we had availed ourselves of all the accepted and not so accepted forms of intervention, but felt that there had to be a way to get more for our daughter and ourselves. The outcome of this week far exceeded our wildest hopes and dreams.
We watched our daughter grow and learn in ways that are supposed to be "impossible," and we were given the tools to continue this process once we return home. We weren't taught a technique ... but a way of living. It was not a parenting approach ... but a pathway to a happier, more loving, more enjoyable life. There is no agenda or set of beliefs being sold here. What is lovingly offered is expert assistance helping us clarify our wants and beliefs. The method we learn is simple yet profound; it is a truth that will have a lifelong impact on us and our children, and the generations to follow.
We will continue to enthusiastically recommend The Option Institute to our friends, colleagues and clients. To those who work in education and the mental health field and decide to come to The Option Institute, one suggestion: Leave your prior training and assumptions at home!! To all: Come, learn, live and enjoy!!
With Love and Appreciation,
Vicki Moss & Bob R., Psychologists, Rhode Island
Panic Attacks
Seven years ago, in the midst of leading an extremely active life - a life that included traveling, rigorous dance training, and a full-time commitment to my writing - I developed what the doctors and the media called 'panic attacks'. The symptoms of these attacks were considered classic, but to me they never seemed classic at all; all of it seemed unique and freakish - not being able to swallow at times, the frequent dizzy spells, a heart that raced so fast I couldn't breathe. Before I went to The Option Institute, I believed what the experts had told me - that this was a condition I would probably always have and that tranquilizers would be the best treatment. Based on this belief, I stopped traveling and dancing for fear that too much activity would increase my heart rate, and that this would feel like - or bring on - a panic attack.
A psychologist had once told me that it would take time - even years - before the cause of the attacks could be uncovered and released. But, after just one session at The Institute - a session that, in fact, did not have a psychological approach, or more focus on much of my history - I felt more of a 'release' than I had felt in years. Through a series of questions that gave me an opportunity to change my beliefs about my fears, and this 'condition' - I started to see changes in my physiology. My panic attacks were coming on less and less and, after continuing with dialogue sessions, I was able to stop using medication. The finale, for me, came after I participated in a one-week program at the Institute called 'Revitalize Your Spirit'. That week was filled with exercises, lectures, and dialogues - all of which focused on love, acceptance, and the pursuit of happiness. Since that time, I have not had one panic attack. I am traveling again, taking exercise classes, and am able to write with more focus and ease, all because the Institute has helped me to put my faith in love and find the peace that comes from faith. These are God's principles, and whether or not you believe in God, these principles are at the heart of freedom. My gratitude to Barry and Samahria Kaufman and The Option Institute Staff is enormous.
Lorraine W., Freelance Writer, California
Injury
Throughout my childhood and teenage years my greatest pleasure and satisfaction always came when I expressed myself through physical activity and athletics. I was passionately involved in horseback riding and delighted in my abilities at skiing, dancing and sports. Then, at age eighteen, my world seemed to come to an end. I suffered a severe and painful back injury. The doctors told me the condition was irreversible and that it would probably continue to get worse. Their prognosis: atrophied muscles, fused discs, arthritis, constant pain and limited physical activity, Furthermore, they warned that, if I ever became pregnant, I'd probably have to spend months in bed.
I attended high school graduation an a stretcher and, when I entered college in the fall, I wore a full body, brace and took my exams literally lying on the floor. Four years later, I was still in chronic pain, taking medication and crying myself to sleep every night. There seemed to be no escape. I was miserable.
Then my mother recommended an Introductory Weekend at The Option Institute. During this program we were guided, in the most gentle and non-judgmental way, to understand the impact of our beliefs on our feelings as well as our physical health. I realized that I had some basic beliefs which were really worth questioning, beliefs I had carried around with me since my first back pain. The first belief was that I must always lie down whenever my back cramped up. The second was that I believed that I was going to be in pain at all times for the rest of my life. And the last was that I had to be sad when I felt pain, because otherwise, it might mean that I didn't care about myself.
With the help of The Institute's program, I was able to change these beliefs to form a new sense of trust in my body. The Program helped me to listen to my body's cues and respond without fear. As I did, I began to stretch and exercise - and laugh. I found within a new determination to learn about what I could do to help myself. I was no longer condemned by someone else's prognosis. As I continue to use the methods I learned at the Institute, I have replaced my constant sadness with an awakening sense of hope and joy.
For the last four years, I have been pain-free. Once again I am an active person and have resumed horseback riding, as well as skiing and other sports. And just last year I gave birth to a healthy, nine pound daughter. During my pregnancy I continued to attend aerobic classes right up to my due date. I never had a single backache. For someone who was told she would spend the entire time in pain and in bed, this is certainly a miracle.
And I not only have a healthy body and a healthy baby, but I am happier and more content than I have ever been in my life. All of these amazing changes have occurred as a direct result of my work with The Option Institute. I am so very thankful!
Laurie P., Therapist/Mother, Massachusetts
Professional Burnout
When I was seven years old, I found an injured garter snake and cared for him until he healed. From then on, I wanted to be a veterinarian. I worked hard and spent years in school preparing. When I finally opened my own veterinary clinic, it was like a dream come true. I saw myself as another James Herriott, curing the animals and receiving the appreciation of my thankful clients.
But reality was quite different. Sometimes the animals didn't get well. Some died. Then their owners often got upset. Some people even refused to pay their bills. Although I'd achieved my lifelong dream, I was becoming more and more stressed out. I was so tense and unhappy, that I developed a painful stomach condition which was, according to my doctor, stress-related. At age 31, I was well on my way to an ulcer! My dream had become a nightmare and I could barely drag myself into work.
Then a friend suggested that I attend an Introductory Weekend at The Option Institute. In those three days, I derived learnings and benefits which helped me change my entire life! During the program we investigated the underlying beliefs causing our discomfort in a variety of circumstances. For me, the insights were both fascinating and helpful.
For instance, I realized that I'd been operating from a very irrational belief--that if I did my job well enough, the animal would recover. As a result I'd been secretly blaming myself each time an animal died and holding myself responsible for the pain the owners felt. When I let go of this unreasonable responsibility, I felt that a huge burden had been lifted from me. What's more, I discovered that I could remain comfortable with myself even when my clients were critical or upset with me.
As the result of these changes my clinic has flourished. Not only am I successful in my career, but I also love it! I look forward to each new day. My stomach problems disappeared and I hardly ever get sick.
Just last week I had to tell a woman that her beloved cat was suffering from leukemia. This lady became very upset and even seemed to be angry with me. Before my experience at The Option Institute, I'd have felt defensive and tense. It would have been difficult to even remain in the same room with her. But now my reactions were completely different. I no longer took this lady's anger personally. Instead I was able to remain open and undefensive and to listen. Soon she apologized for her outburst and then explained that her daughter had died of leukemia. We talked for a while and, when she left, she thanked me for helping her become more comfortable with a difficult situation. What would have been a very stressful situation for me had been transformed into an opportunity to extend compassion and caring, thanks to all I learned at The Option Institute.
Chuck B., Veterinarian, Virginia
Illness
Although I am writing this during the Christmas season, it is not a Christmas card but a thank you note. I have just gone through the most difficult months of my life. In October I had a six hour surgery in which three cervical fusions were done, a process requiring a graft from the hip bone. What was intended to be a short hospital stay stretched into weeks. Those weeks included two allergic reactions and two major infections, necessitating dressing changes so painful that if I were to rate them on a scale of I to 10 they would be a 15. This process was done six times a day!
The remarkable thing is that I got through it all happily. That is why I am thanking you. The ideas presented in Bears' books, and that I was exposed to during programs at The Option Institute and which I continued using at home were what helped me make it.
The manner in which those ideas were presented was especially meaningful. Somehow the Institute staff members did it so that I felt I could take a tremendous risk and, at the very least, try.
Things aren't over yet. I'm still in a brace and there is another surgery coming up. Even after that, the muscles may be permanently damaged. However I have a real sense of hope and freedom. I've realized that my happiness does not depend on the outcome of my medical treatment. I can choose what I want to be, how I wish to feel and what kind of life I wish to have.
Beth Q., Teacher of Handicapped Children, Oklahoma
A Difficult Parent
I lived with dread of my mother's death. Every time I got off the phone with her, I reproached myself for being critical, for being hard-hearted, for harboring my secret resentment under a pleasant but false exterior. Her death would make that guilt my life's companion.
What brought me to The Option Institute initially, however, was my concern about an underlying depression which had shadowed my entire life. I would wake in the morning thinking 'Oh my God, not another day', and then somehow psyche myself up for the next 24 hours. After eight years of slow progress in therapy, I was cautiously hopeful that a visit to The Option Institute might help, but these feelings of unhappiness had been my companion for half a century. How could I ever trace their source? How could I know why my marriage, my children, my career - all of them enviable - never touched the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach?
But it turned out, I did know. Under the gentle, non-judgmental questioning of mentors at The Option Institute, I came to see I was operating under a core belief: that until my mother was happy, I was not deserving of happiness myself.
I took a look at the results of that belief. Rather than demonstrating my love for my mother, it made me resent her and quickly lose patience with her. How could I sympathize with her problems when each complaint was another stone dragging me down? I saw the way in which we were enmeshed in a process that was hurting both of us.
Once I saw this and realized I could change my belief, I began to feel a new aliveness and joyfulness within me. Having unhitched my happiness from hers, I found I could listen to my mother without adopting her pain. I felt within me compassion and acceptance of her life choices. I even told her how much I loved her just hours before she died in her sleep of a sudden heart attack.
At my mother's memorial service, I was filled, not with regret, but with gratitude for the time we'd had together, especially for the recent times when I was real with her, and in being real, discovered that I was neither cold, nor hard-hearted, nor unloving. If The Option Institute is a place for miracles, this was surely one of them. And today, a great peacefulness fills that empty space I thought would haunt me forever.
Linda W., Newspaper Columnist, Massachusetts
Abuse
I was adopted as an infant by affluent parents. And although we lived in a big house with all the material possessions we could want, I was never happy. Because of the way I was treated that big castle of a house felt like a prison. I remember living my childhood as if I was behind bars. Although my mother said she loved me, I'd get confused when she'd hit and slap me again and again. She would tell me that "the ones who love you hurt you the most." As a result, I began to wonder if I wanted to be loved.
My father was a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. These difficulties were compounded when I was repeatedly abused sexually by someone who worked for my family. Already distant and alienated from my parents, I felt that I could never tell them about these awful and humiliating experiences. I thought that I must be to blame. I withdrew further, at first depressed and finally angry. By age 22, I had attempted suicide twice. After that, although I no longer wanted to end my life, I remained deeply unhappy. Combative and resentful toward my parents, I once refused to speak to my mother for two years! Years of therapy only helped me get better at protecting my feelings. I was still too scared to love.
Then I attended a workshop at The Option Institute. I had the opportunity to examine, in the most accepting environment, the beliefs that had been making me so unhappy, above all, the belief that I was not good enough. As I explored this it became clear that there was no evidence in my life to support that belief. I let it go. When I did, I found that I no longer needed my hard, protective shell of defensiveness and anger. I now felt strong without it. And as I began to feel better about myself, I also began to see my parents in a new light. I could now understand that they had been angry and frustrated with their own lives and, like me, just doing the best they could despite their discomfort. This understanding opened a new possibility of forgiveness and compassion. Finally, I sat down and wrote them a letter, expressing genuine gratitude for having them in my life. I knew that I would continue to feel good no matter how they responded, because I was finally learning to love and accept myself. With this new attitude, I awaited their typical insensitive reply.
One week later, I received a package from my parents. In it was a plaque that said, 'Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but nevertheless my own. Never forget for a single minute, you weren't born under my heart, but in it.'
With tears in my eyes, I knew that my new-found love and acceptance had not only affected my life but theirs too. I know now that you can indeed feel hurt by those you love most, but you also have the choice to love and be happy with them. In my castle, there are no more prison bars.
Jan C., Computer Programmer, Illinois
